I was wondering how to introduce myself on this blog without sounding like a 2010 Tumblr about me post. Then I remembered about a little joke that my newer friends and I would say:
“Make me blu. I am blu.”
Hanne, on Discord
Of course, you had to pronounce the “blu” part like “bloo” with a deep voice and lips puckered out. Bob your head a little as you do. It’s the kind of word that makes you perform to say it, a comfy but funny little sound that spread through my freshly formed friend group in a matter of just a few uses.
Now, it doesn’t matter what the context is― why I demanded it and if it ever happened. What struck me about this little phrase was able to stick around even after that moment was over. Am I blu (blue)? Why did I choose this to represent me? And why does it fit so dang well?
Let’s talk about blue.
“If you see a tree as blue, then make it blue.”
Paul Gauguin
Hello, my name is Han. Some friends call me Nessie, others call me Nene. Sometimes I even like to go by Hanne. Either way, it’s all ways to reference me, a little drop of water in a vast lake during just a fleeting moment in time. Does that make sense? I know that I’m just another person, an insignificant blurb in the world, that small dot right there located in North California of the United States. But I’m still worth a little attention. I can still make a ripple effect somewhere.
And my favorite color is blue.
I like what it stands for and what it represents. I’d even go as far as to say that I am blue. Sometimes I’m other colors, but most of the time, I am blue. According to the website colorpsychology.org, blue is for confident and honest people. Blue is sensitive and stubborn. Other sites commonly say that blue is also for those who love freedom and organization. Trust. Knowledge. Intuition. Creativity. The whole hurrah.
It, like anything else generalized on the internet, is multifaceted. Generic even, like a horoscope. But it’s such a lovely color that inspires and lingers with people. Blue calms people, but can rile up imaginations. It supports clarity for those who need guidance and hope for others who don’t have enough. It works in the background, but can be bold enough to step to the front sometimes. This is still about blue the color, right? Probably.
Either way, I think it fits well. It’s even something that I want to fit well.
I want to be blue.
“Let the blue of the sky and ocean take your blue away when you feel blue.”
Munia Khan
Like many other 27 year olds (as of today 3/3/23) in the world, I’ve been coping with my mental health― or lack thereof― for most of my conscious life. Some of it was through self help means like through my aforementioned Tumblr blog. For a brief time, I even attended therapy through my college at the time. Now, I do what any person without time and money does: I fall back on my support systems and try to survive another day.
I used to hate that saying. “Just take it one day at a time.” However, there was a turning point when I started to work full time with a diagnosis of severe depression. Suddenly, things were a lot less flexible. I couldn’t go on unannounced mental health breaks on the day of. I needed to learn how to adjust or at least find ways to lessen the stress on myself, especially since I couldn’t escape to nap every day.
All around me, people seemed a lot more resilient that I was. They showed up on time to work everyday without additional breaks. They ate lunch everyday and replied to questions about how they were with “good, good!”
On those days, I could only respond with, “I’m fine, I’m getting by. It’s a day alright,” when really, I just want to say:
I feel blue sometimes.
“There is no blue without yellow and without orange.”
Vincent Van Gogh
One of my best friends said something strange to me once.
She said that I was family oriented and that I liked to spend time with them a lot. Well, that was news to me. But the more I thought about it, the less weird it became. Originally, my perception of myself was that of a lonely and angsty teenager. I used to say that I wasn’t close with my family and in the same breath, say that I only had a small circle of friends.
I know now that was a lie.
My family is more important than I thought; I start to miss my cousins when I haven’t seen them for longer than a few weeks. My list of friends never seen to end. I have so many groups from different periods of life that I still keep close to me, even if we never met in person or only heavily interreacted for a a year. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was― we can still pick things up where we left off.
I like to be alone, yes. I also like to be among my people.
My blue is meant to be shared.
“Blue color is everlastingly appointed by the deity to be a source of delight.”
John Ruskin
Today, I seize the moment and wonder truly what it means to be me. Starting a blog means more than just sharing and what I learn everyday. It’s a way to connect to others and give myself another chance to reflect who I am. It’ll be fun. Honestly, I think it’ll be delightful.
I am blue. How wonderful is it to be blue…
… oh, and it’s nice to meet you, too!
Diving in the Deep 